you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I don't deserve a penis
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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