Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
