Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
