Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
