Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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