is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
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