It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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