I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
