I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
