non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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