My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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