There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
