I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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