I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
So how did finding that girl you know on GGW go?
I was so pissed when it just previews her all covered up. It would have been easier to just have sex with her
Yeah but then you would have a case of genitals gone wild
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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