I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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