It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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