I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
