Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Randomize
