how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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