You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Girls should come with a carfax report
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
