Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
