thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize