You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Randomize
