the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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