the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
