Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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