Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Randomize
