I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
