don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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