I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Randomize
