i think i have two assholes
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
God, you're like boner-b-gone
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
