I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
