he puts the penis in happiness.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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