I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
