he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I can text with my tongue
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I AM VODKA MAN
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
