I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
