some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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