I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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