just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
