I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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