my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
