I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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