Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
i believe in u and ur pee
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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