Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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