Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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