I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
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