my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
