it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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