Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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