does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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