peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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