hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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