God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize
