I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
