So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
