You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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