shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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