did you get engaged???
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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