sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
